Let's get down to business

I guess I vented out enough about my personal shit.Time to get to the serious stuff. I'm kinda new to blogging so I hope my thoughts get organized along the way. Although no one can actually fathom what I must be going thru, I found this strange solace in writing. Maybe it's the thought that whatever happens in the future , bad or good, someone out there would give me the benefit of the doubt and say.." Hey, she tried her best, cut the girl some slack".

Being at the crossroads is not easy , needless to say that there is no turning back. Purely based on personal jusdgement and intelligent guessing. The decision I must take will determine the rest of my life and terrifyingly enough.. my afterlife.

I might have avoided facing reality by convincing myself that i had more important priorities to attend to, but when u think about it.. what is more important than who you share the rest of your life with and how you intend to live it?

You never know what you've got till its gone

Yes, sounds like a crappy line about some old flame. No, I’m not talking about a person, I’m talking about a life.

It happened again, I hate myself every time it does! I fell asleep putting my baby to bed.. I even let the maid go out , taking a cab to buy me a couple of frappuccinos since I was looking forward to a long night on line with my PC. I have a lot of things to catch up on, some correspondence, on line banking and people to talk to , including my mom, who’ve I’ve been appearing off line to for some weeks now just to avoid the “ so, what’s you plan?” question.

Since I slept so early , I woke up at around 5 am. In a bad mood of course. Took one of the melted fraps from the fridge and went on line. I just wasn’t in the mood to do anything and to top it all I knew that in an hour or two I’d have to start getting ready for the “drop off”. So I started getting ready, I was thinking to myself.. I need to let the nanny come back, I had given her a week off when I started noticing that baby was getting attached to her again. I figured with school starting and all the memories of last year’s play school where Nanny was always there, she was in a regression period. After all, how can she trust mommy when mommy wasn’t there in the first place!!

So, there. I took over the whole thing, with the help of my maid ( preparing the milk and arranging her toys) I achieved my objective. We have bonded mightier than mighty bond but I’m losing myself. Basically my personal life has been put on hold. Well not really on hold but it’s hard to think about serious things or make fate determining decsions with one eye on what you’re doing and the other watching over a kid 24/7. I decided that it might be time to call Nanny and ask her to come back. I haven’t gone to the gym or even deep conditioned my hair in a week and I can feel my body complaining about it. I made a note to myself to call her later when she’s awake.

On that note I noticed the sun was up, I went to the bathroom and abluted ( washed up for prayer) , I prayed my fajr and went back to the room, baby was sleeping on my bed, I tried to make some noise, the earlier she wakes up the earlier she goes to bed but alas! The snoring was louder than my clumsiness, laid down beside her , played with her hair , held her hand and maid some high pitched good mornings.. It was about 6 am , school is at 9 . I gave up and closed my eyes too. At around 8:30 the maid was knocking on the door, Madam it’s already 8:30.. whaatttt?? I looked to my side and baby was still sleeping.. must have been a long day yesterday at her grandparents place. I woke her up, gave her a shower and we were on our way. I myself didn’t take a bath, we were running late and I figured I’ll just do it later since I had no plans for the afternoon.

On my way out I received a surprising sms from Ann, it said “ Tam, I have a problem , where are you?” I msged her back saying meet me at the café in 30 mins.

After dropping my baby at school, I headed to my favorite place, there she was, sunglasses and all.. I apologized for being late.. . she looked at me and asked me how I did it.. taking baby to school everyday in the morning with all the shit I have in my life and managing to keep in control. I smiled at her and told her that things are not what they seem and that I’m actually losing my mind.

Ann and I both have something in common, our husbands are in another country and we don’t know what we really want. It’s a little more complicated for me because in addition to not knowing what I want , at 24 I don’t know who I am! And Religion as I discovered has a big say on my marital status , way of life and mentality.. something I’m slowly trying to accept and deal with.


Turns out that , may God rest her soul, Ann’s nanny’s mom ( the mother of the nanny of Ann) passed away yesterday, suddenly and just like that. She woke up to her 18 year old Nanny’s weeping and had to endure the emotional drama of it all!! Something which she just didn’t need at a time when her f ( or so she would like to think) was losing his money on Forex trading and taking it out on her .
She dropped her Nanny off at the bus station , gave her all the cash she had left with her and faced the reality of her might not coming back since she had brothers and sisters that may need her now that her mom was gone.

I was thinking of what to tell her, I asked her what was really her problem.. Is it that someone’s mom died unexpectedly reminding us of how short life is and how selfish we are ? Or that the nanny is gone and she’s gonna have to “toil”( a word I got from her ), for her kid like never before? With him starting to go to school while she is a student too.

She didn’t say anything, realizing I just made it worse, I offered that my nanny stay with her till she finds a replacement. She got into the never ending discussion of how unfair life was and how she just needs to get out of here.

Now, I’ve been there and one thing I could tell her was not to take her life here for granted, when I left this sub urban heaven, all I could think of were the things I didn’t do, the crisp air of dawn, the silence of the night and the accessibility to everything you can think of.. things like scuba diving, mountain climbing , shopping sprees, barbeque, golf courses, island hopping and spur of the moment late night outs.. things that need time, money and planning anywhere else. Herbal medicine, beauty salons and foot scrubs, the mere fact that we could play tennis or go swimming or just have a snack at the country club at our subdivision whenever we feel like it. Time here is still and life is what you make of it not the other way around. She got my point , and was excited about when we could go scuba diving. I just repeated that anywhere else would be so different.. even the time she can spend with her kid now and the things they could do together here more than anywhere else was priceless. Instead of thinking of how to get out of here when it’s just a matter of waiting , we should invest all our time and resources in getting the best out of this place and even then we’d still have to come back here at least once a year to reload. Satisfied and planning things in our minds we smoked a cigarette and sipped our ice teas. Look at the time, time for her to pick up her kid.. we said goodbye and she left.

I still have an hour to go, I took my laptop out and started to blog while listening to Stained’s so far away…

Tribute to Barney and Disney

I never thought I’d say it .. but I did and I am. Thank God for Barney!!!! I used to be one of those “ Kill the purple fag dinosaur” but now.. you can’t imagine how much this purple thing really helped me raise my kid!!! I mean u know , kid’s respond to him in a weird way.. even if it were some Zionist conspiracy to hypnotize our kids .. I’d still be thankful!! I love Broadway, I think the sound of music, Mary Poppins, Annie, Wizard of OZ and the like are true gems for kids now a days … I’m planning to make a collection along with west side story, fiddler on the roof , My Fairlady etc. Mary Poppins teaches my little kid to clean up her room with a spoon full of sugar and Barney tells her it’s all about please and thank you, So it’s like Barny does half of the job and we just assure our kids that he’s right.

Disney is another story, I grew up with Snow White , Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty I know all the Disney classic songs by heart..It brings my mom to tears when she hears my baby girl sing the same song in the same way I used to sing 21 years ago. I used to sing “some day my prince will come “and imagine I was snow white standing beside the well or when my mom would give me chores I’d sing whistle while you work… or Hi ho Hi ho it’s off to work we go.. I was a happy little girl.. there was nothing wrong around me even now that I know that those must have been my parents hardest times I still deny the fact and insist those were the best days of our lives as a family. How I wish I can live in that same bliss .. Now that I think about it, The only thing that kept me in fairy tale land all those years were all the Disney Cartoons and my big imagination. I still have that imagination till now.

Coming back to the present – I just have one thing to say

I am warry of Nickelodeon , I mean the characters there for heaven’s sake call each other Stupid!!! They also shout at each other and are very mean and violent sometimes !!! Not to mention UGLY!!! The only acceptable thing there is probably those power puff girls.

As if raising them wasn’t hard enough!!!!!

I'll go where ever you will go...

Sometimes we head to the mall from school to have lunch or buy what we need ( or what we think we need hehe) I love my “ not so single” friends because they bring their kids when we meet up. Kids need to play with other not so familiar kids to develop their social skills. We usually drop them off at the play houses in the malls after agreeing who brings the nanny to watch over them while we go shopping or watch a movie. Almost always is a win-win situation , the mommy gets her dose of girl talk , fun and spirit and the kiddie gets to play , exercise and make new friends.

It doesn’t have to be the mall all the time, we tried going to the GAP farm where there was a ranch and real horses, the country club just behind our house where the kids can swim, the mama and her friends can have a snack and talk while watching over them I even brought my kid to where my friends study.. basically wherever there is a bathroom should be ok, thank God my baby is a girl and she likes to be one too.. so she enjoys all the girlie stuff we do anyway, she sings and dances, likes to play with her hair and shares he opinion about clothes and shoes !! hehehe , At the end of the day the baby tells the mommy what she did while the mommy listens establishing quality time and fostering independence.

This girl

A child at pray is a joyful sight, innocence and faith with all her might,
Little girl pray that you'll never see, what the world tomorrow will think of thee"



I write this poem of a girl I know
With a heart a heart of gold, made the world around her glow
Broken today I watch her sigh
The hopeful gleam no longer in her eyes

It’s been a while since I’ve held this pen
Years of life have molded me since then

A little girl searching for where she belonged
Guided by the memory of vague recall

An impulsive decision to go back in time
Against their will she crosses the line

A young mother she thought
“I’ve got to see”
No time could be better
It’s the time for me

An innocent soul tainted with fear
A whole new world
A religion revealed

Shock and confused by the hurtful truth
This is it, These are her roots!
Lost and confused , She tries to reject
What she knows she has to go through next

She’s riding the waves of a journey so real
Too much emotions, there’s nothing left to feel

As she sits alone in a familiar café
Watching the world as they live their day

She wonders if she’ll ever get to that shore
How much is left for her heart to endure?

Pieces of her, dust in the wind
Wrapped in misery, tormented at will

Searching for answers, lost in dismay
A silent prayer, “Oh keep me sane”

Her friends they know what she’s going through
Do they though? She’s not so sure


Caught in the middle, two worlds at bay
Every person she knows, has something to say

Her soul is in question, her eternal abode
Where no mother or bother can carry the load

For she alone, will mark her end
For she alone, to the grave shall be sent

This worldly life is but a stage
To play our parts and God to obey

And the life she’s had
Has no place in here
The cast of this play
To her world are weird

New rules, new lines
New parts to display
She had no idea
That is was going to be this way

And although her faith in the main theme is strong
It seems that it’s not enough
Could she be so wrong?

No one is perfect, so it’s been said
With no one to trust, no matter how they care

Ignorance is bliss, words so true
Why did she venture, into knowledge so cruel?

We are responsible for all that we do
Now that she knows, her debts are due

To pay the price is a lot to bear
She can’t let go, she’s too weak to dare
Brave she embarked on this one way road
Full of life, faith so bold

God is her love, her constant guide
Hold her hand, show her what’s right

Yes, she’s made a few wrong turns
Give her a chance, she’s willing to learn

Send her an angel, just show her the way
Too suspicious to trust
Thos who speak in your name

She reads your words, every night she cries
Why does she see a different rhyme?

Oh lord your book does not lie
Never did she find an unfair line

Her salvation lies in you so divine
Please let your words lead her life

For she has lived this world as it is
She’s seen and felt things that they’ve missed

No one could ever know what’s inside
No one but the earth, the sea and the infinte sky.

The lessons you learn from"cars"

"Lightning Mcqueen and his best friend Mater"

Last week was literally “ Cars” week. That movie was great.. I don’t really have any interests in racing.. the significant information I know about racing is confined to Michael Shoemacker ( see.. im sure his name isn’t spelled like that) F1 and the local drag racing scene around me. Being the person I am , born into the social circle I am in, I sometimes find myself listening to crap about last weekend’s drag racing rumble or “ my boyfriend drag racer” , one my friends even put up a restobar named “staging lanes” !!.

Anyway , I wasn’t really excited about watching this pixar car thing..but it looked like there was no escape I decided not to buy the popcorn and stuff so I’ll have something to do when I get bored inside and make buying them an excuse to get out of the movie house of a couple of minutes .. it turned out that I misjudged the movie it was great!!! lots of lessons about helping others and being selfless , the only thing I suffered was that everyday Mcdonald’s Happy Meal just to snag one of them toy cars.

The last couple of days were tough on all of us, we couldn’t find lighting Mcqueen in all mcdonald’s outlets.. I guess that just teaches me a lesson to just buy em all before they’re gone and hide them till tantrums begin! Hehehe I even tried buying one that looks like him at the toy store but the thing is these cars have eyes and that’s what makes them special .. and makes the kids notice if it’s the real thing or not!!

A day in the life.. plus Poi revolution

Such a quaint life and modern life, picket fences and familiar skies.

I drop my 4- year old daughter off at school in the morning and take a few minutes to talk to her teacher ( who happens to be my batch mate in college ) about my concerns , I didn’t let my daughter attend school the other day because I am trying to discipline her and I thought it was an appropriate punishment for disobeying me to ground her. I also took the opportunity to express how disappointed I was with them playschool when she came home the other day with a loot bag full of sweets and chocolates . I suggested having healthy food activities for the kids to learn to eat veggies and asked her to please tell the other teachers not to encourage her when she starts acting shy. Feeling good about myself and my attentiveness to my daughter’s developmental needs I head to a quiet café with my lap top to set my agenda for the day and reflect on things that are happening. I have a lot of decisions to make about my marriage and settling down.

"At the school's play ground"

It’s Thursday today, Last night I was with a bunch of old friends ( and new) one of my friends had a Dutch visitor who wanted to learn how to cook local food and catch up on the latest social scene , the latest craze they’ve been into is quite an addictive activity called “ poi” or fire dancing. Two arm length chains ending with a flammable ball that are dipped in kerosene and lighted with fire while the person twists and twirls them in the air making beautiful symmetrical circles dancing and swinging back and forth , sideways over and around the body. Very exciting and entertaining, not to mention impressive. Being the darling of the group and the diplomat of my time , sociable and eloquent , my friends insisted that I should be there . It was around 9 pm when I finally caught up with them , I had a hard time putting my baby to sleep , at first it was my newly painted nails that were annoying her sensitive sense of smell, I had gone to the salon earlier that day to accompany my friend Kay and offer moral support for her impulsive decision to have her hair premed, I opted for a foot scrub and manicure and pedicure while waiting for her. After realizing the problem of the “freshly done nails smell” I rubbed my hands with a fragrant Victoria Secret lotion and went on trying to get her to sleep.. when of all the times it turned out to be one of those nights where you are caught off guard and asked questions by an innocent child, last night was the “heaven and hell” question and how good children go to heaven and bad ones go to hell. After she finally fell asleep to a Disney song I sang to her to take her mind of the monsters and bad toys in hell. I asked the maid to sleep in my bed and hide herself under the sheets incase she woke up and checked if mommy was there. The old “ pillow mountain under the blanket was discovered a while back” hehe. Hurrying out the door I checked myself in the mirror one last time and made sure my own poi set were in my bag.

" The girls fire swining infront of kay's place in the middle of the night"

I arrived at the place, curly kay greeted me at the door and thanked me for making it.. I said hi to everyone and started to mingle , It’s been a while since I’ve been out at this time and my friends missed me .. we had a little girl talk in Kay’s room that ended up with make up experimentation and sex talks. An hour later other people came we had to join them. A few minutes later we were outside the house lighting pois in a show down in the middle of the dead street. Cheering and shouting kay’s curls almost got caught in fire but that didn’t stop us! Even I dared to light up my poi and dance with fire.. making sure we took pictures we went back inside for drinks and conversation. At around 12 something people started to leave, when all the guys were gone that’s when the party started and us girls just took off our frustrations on dancing. I got a call at around 1 PM from my husband to tell me it’s late and I should get my butt home. With a pouting face I announced my leaving , Stephenie, who really wanted to go out, especially after the make over make up said she’ll come with me since obviously no one had plans of going anywhere else. Ann begged me to stay a little more and promised she’d take me home if I did. After giving it a thought I declined the offer saying I wouldn’t want her to go out of her way since she lived close by while my place was on the other side of the world.
It was getting late anyway and I should probably go home. Steph asked to stop by at Dimsum diner to pick up some Chinese food , she called to place an order while I called my brother at home to ask him if he wanted me to bring him anything too.

It was around 2 am when I got home. My baby was fast asleep, took my smoke drenched clothes off and washed up, woke the maid and thanked her for her act of courage and logged on to the internet to tell my husband I was home. Ann was on line too.. we exchanged a couple of lines and gossiped about some of the characters at the party. She sent me some of the pictures she took of me fire twirling and we decided to call it a night. I wanted to watch a movie she lent me.. The Manchurian Candidate , I was on a mission to watch everything and anything about the Middle East, Terrorism and Politics. On my list of movies to watch are Syriana, Paradise Now, Munich and Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World.

Blindly believing that my destiny was to make a difference in the middle east I had to know all I can.

I fell asleep watching Paradise Now. At about 8 am a little voice was asking me if she could eat chocolate something.. I couldn’t make her words out and I said yes… talk about cunning! J With a sweet and sleepy voice I told her to take a bath and get ready for school 30 mins later I got up , took a shower, prayed and was on my way. After she joined the other kids I took the teacher aside and u know the rest.

It is not like this everyday of course, I don’t usually go out, in fact, no matter how hard I try to get up after putting my kid to sleep at 730 PM every night , I somehow end up sleeping too and frustratingly waking up the following morning !! hehehe I’m still at the café’ sipping iced tea and writing this, it’s almost 11:30 am , I gotta pick her up soon.