How do you define happiness

I am in desperate need of help -- or I'll go crazy. We're living in a single room -- my wife, my children and my in-laws. So our nerves are on edge, we yell and scream at one another. The room is a hell."

"Do you promise to do whatever I tell you?" said the Master gravely.

"I swear I shall do anything."

"Very well. How many animals do you have?"

"A cow, a goat and six chickens."

"Take them all into the room with you. Then come back after a week."

The disciple was appalled. But he had promised to obey! So he took the animals in. A week later he came back, a pitiable figure, moaning, "I'm a nervous wreck. The dirt! The stench! The noise! We're all on the verge of madness!"

"Go back," said the Master, "and put the animals out."

The man ran all the way home. And came back the following day, his eyes sparkling with joy. "How sweet life is! The animals are out. The home is a Paradise, so quiet and clean and roomy!"

Another new beggining

I am sitting here on a my bed
my bed- for the first time on this bed in this room
my stuff scattered everywhere and I can't bring myself to start fixing things yet
last night i watched a boxing match that was amazing
not because of the fighter who never loses and knocks out people from every weight devision
but because of what that match does to people, to a whole country
while paquiao was trying to beat up margarito there was no crime in the philippines
no traffice, no problems no nothing. the most peaceful moments in the whole country
when eve the president forgets he is a president is when paquiao has a game!
it doesnt help that NJ East Hanover was in the end of the world, or that we couldnt find the holiday in where we had to drop someone
but what helped was this couple I met, youg, sweet, fresh out of the peace corp where they helped little kids in africa build a school and spent 2 years of their lives trying to serve humanity.
what helped more was the fact that because of this peacecorp thing the guy has a scholarship from columbia in education so things are working out go adam!
It is great to be filipino! everyone is your family, food is everywhere and laughter and booz.
somehow you always find someone who knows someone and maybe is a distant relative of yours then they treat you like a daughter
God is good. God is great. I wouldn't know how I would have done this without the help of tito ed and my friends, the last week was all about slowly carrying heavy stuff from here to there, agreeing on terms and all the social life.. weekends, manny paquiao and oh god not to mention hell school life first half of the week environmental and behavioral midterm which were only easier to take in when I got my law and health midterm back an A ! yeahy!
so many things I realized in the past week..
that things are not what I thought they were in my heart
you can love someone so much and they can just see you as side show. well... iamnotasideshow and I don't want to be sorry for that.
It is so hard to control the urges... the feelings like"he has to see this", "i wish he could experience this and see how my world is","he's been working so hard he needs this break", "i wish i could tell him i was here, will he come? will he not"," i wish he could come with me to this restaurant, to this lounge for him to see a different side of life.. then i stop and think.. what for? seriously what for? it wont'help either of us and no.. there is no friendship after the marriage we had and i believe in my heart it was that or i will go crazy.
day by day i see a birds eye view of what have become and i shudder. or I gfeel proud of myself for moving on this far.
let this new place be a new place with new energies of love life truth and good intentions. the future awaits..
i left those sad bad energies full of heartache and heartbreak, unjustice and infedelity and darkness in that hotel room that is what i will think..

I can't wait to have my heart healed and open. I can't wait to see a future without him. this is my goal. and I have my baby to help me.. i already listed the movies we should watch when i get home.. i cant wait.. so many happy things without him. let me thrive on that. good luck to him and his family and future. at least i know mine will be full og laughter and dreams and hopes. wonder how it feels to know this is ur life forever and not be contented? maybe he is more of a victim than I am.. oh well.. I will be going to harvard this weekend and i am on my way to my future and i am actually excited.. i bet I will meet people who will inspire me and give me hope in finding my future partner.

There is someone for everyone. All we have to do is pray, have good intentions , be good people stay away from sin and inshallah with sabr and faith things will happen.

Don't be afraid to go where you've never gone and do what you've never done,because both are necessary to have what you've never had and be who you've never been.

I will post some reminders later to myself since i had to tear them down from my wall when I moved.

Nove, 2010- I have been meaning to blog

I have been meaning to start blogging again. When I found myself alone in cold and far away place. When suddenly things don’t make sense and I am regressed into living a student when I have been acting and living like a mother and woman whose social circle is considerably older than well… now.
I have been meaning to start blogging again, now that I am weaning myself out of the source of my life’s meaning, the love of my life and the only thing that consumed me for almost 3 years and to be honest the only thing that will haunt me and scar me till the end of my days.
Yes, I have been meaning to start blogging again. Every time a memory hits, a feeling comes back, lonliness strikes or I lose hope in why I am here in the first place.
I have been meaning to start blogging again, now that I am faced with my two halves that I must deal with, I have my scholarship and I have my daughter two worlds that never met and today need to be coexist but never to be known to one another.
I have been meaning to start blogging again, now that I have a path that was chosen in a different time, for reasons of the heart , a decision that I took not for myself but for the only man I will ever love and now , though he lingers to torture me thru uncertainty and guilt, is not anymore the reason for why I am here.
I have been meaning to start blogging again, now that all of these is who I am and for the first time, I am alone in a faraway cold place, dealing with myself…. Alone.
May I find meaning in everyday that I wake up in. Simply for being alive, thankful for the opportunity that I have been given, knowing that my mother is with my daughter and that her daughter is trying her best to make sense of her life.

The need to love and be loved

The need to love and be loved
The need to love is addictive . The need to be loved is destructive.
How can we strike a healthy balance of emotions without running the risk of losing our minds? Or our loved ones?
I don’t know about other women but I have had my share of relationships and I always kept my head and stayed calm and in control.
I had my goals, my rules, my family, my privacy , my personal life, my opportunities and my future and no man could ever shake me.
I fell in love at 28.
Suddenly I don’t want all of the above. All I want is him and the need for him to be all of that to me.
It was like the first time I ever handled a man. Today, almost a year after I look back and think to myself.. that isn’t me! When did I turn so immature, so emotional, so childish and so pathetic!!!
Love consumed me. It took over my heart, mind and soul and there was nothing but him infront of me. My whole life was his and that’s when I lost myself and it all got destroyed.
The key to keeping love is to keep yourself. After all, the reason the guy fell in love with you is because you were you and if you changed after that.. don\t blame him for wanting to run away.
One thing good about me though, which is also consuming is that when everything is said and done. I don’t blame anyone but myself.
Maybe I blame love. Maybe I blame life for changing , my heart for not preparing or for clouding my foresight but it all boils down to me.
Now.. I am hanging by a thread.. I have no idea what will happen to me or where things will go from here.
All I know is one thing.
When something difficult or painful happens, we need to try look, to see, no matter how impossible it may seem at the moment , with the eyes of our hearts what the situation makes possible that wouldn’t have otherwise been possible.
Like a new adventure, a closer friendship, chocolate in my peanut butter, nights in a tent in a beach, listening to birds sing or the time to write a book.
As hard as it is for us girls especially, to imagine a life without the men that help and “love” us, we need to open our hearts and minds and breathe…
As impossible as we feel our situation is, as small as our world is and as limited as our eyesights can see right now.. we are wrong.
Emotions, love, devotion.. these are dangerous dangerous words that can shut all our senses from the rest of the world and make us only see what is infront of us. Our man, our love, our marriages , our relationships.
Life is more than that.

There is a whole world of different places to go to, different people to meet. Different cultures, different food, music, mentalities .. different weather.
There is a whole world of experiences to have, to share, there are things we never dreamed of achieving and achievements we never thought we would dream of.
Everything has a reason. God has wisdom behind it all.
I used to believe in that so much, the universe, the reasons, the growth, the spirituality.
Where did I lose myself? A man? A body? A heart.
Everything makes things better. We have to believe that. Lets not force what is not for us and all we can do is be ourselves. True to ourselves, true to the people in our lives and the universe will handle the rest.
Faith in the unknown , faith in God. The key to moving on.
No matter how heartbreaking, how difficult , how hurtful a person can be. Always keep in mind that we are all different. Just because someone is older doesn’t mean he is more mature. I may have gone to a lot of places met a lot of difference races and faces, worked, laughed and cried with women and men white, yellow, black and brown. Humanity is something I lived and not just something from a book like it is to others.
I need to believe in myself.
If the person I love can’t understand and love me. I shall continue to love him but on my own terms.
I shall love him but not lose myself to someone who can’t love and take care of me. This is the tragedy of love. There are no guarantees of safe homes and warm nights.
I have to accept that. And find my own dream.
I learned the greatest lesson in life from the only time I ever truly loved.
Love is not the end of everything. It is not the answer to our life searching and it is not the warm and tenderness I long for.
Love is loving someone for no reason. Just from god and hoping that maybe he will love u the same way and if he doesn’t……
Well. That is love.

A spinster mom

Today I asked my baby
what do you want me to get you?
I can get you anything you want
all you have to do is close your eyes
imagine all the ponies, the dolls and rainbows in the skies
do you want a wii? a psp a doll house anything that comes to your mind?
I'll get you a tent, a laptop, your name etched in gold, ill build you a castle in our backyard
but promise me one thing
silence in the line
I am sending you an Arabic program its in english so you'll be fine.
I'll get you anything you want
just promise to spend an hour on it every night.
Ok deal! an innocent voice I heard that made me alive
what would I do without you
the reason why I survive.
I want a baby she said...
Ok, tell me what kind? the kind that you feed and dress..
mama, the kind thats alive!
When will you have a baby, you said you will too many times
you said I'll have a sister to play with, we made he cd's remember .. its about time
you said she's ready and that we'll cook and shop and have a happy life
Habibi.. there is no baby, that little girl has a sister already please don't cry
she had her even before I told you
I didn't know it was a lie
But I'll get you a baby doll you can play with all the time.
and one day maybe you will have all the babies you want..
just grow up and all will be fine.

akhhh... can't believe this conversation happend just right now
how ironic is life. my God forgive him and all his lies.

starting a diary 2010

I decided not to write
oodles and oodles of useles whine
for whining has never helped
change my life or make it shine
yes it made me feel better
it helped me cope with what's inside
but in the end i learned
that talk will never make wrong right
I learned the hardest way
too hard for words
so im gonna shut up
and take it
Only God knows.

God works in mysterious ways

As I lie down here
his arms on my back
his breath on my face
my heart beats stumble
over every unforgotten trace

the traces of life that have molded us both
to become the people who we want to uphold

it's been a while since I've held this pen
years of life has molded me since then
To write a poem is not an easy task
Beneath this façade lies a lonely mask
And when you need to filter all of this through
Whats left is what it is, the core of you

True love is a mystery
Unbounded by any rules
The stuff stories are made of
The stuff that makes wise men fools

For how many kingdoms
And how many lives
When upon true love they stumble
Forget what is wrong or right?

Once in a life time
For every soul there is but only one
Once in 10,000 lifetimes
When everything else you've known is suddenly gone
To act on it is impulse
To pursue it is a crime
But somehow its worth it
For the years you have left to be divine

The past and present are moments
Fleeting in front of your eyes
And all you see is the future
and you and him together the rest of your life

True love is a mystery
Philosophers upon it dwell
And till this day the answers
Lie between heaven and hell

When distance is just a plane a ride
When being together is just a step
How hard was it for those before
Only stories could ever tell

When you can hear his voice
Thousands of miles away
The flames of despair tamed
and you get thru another day

when you want to feel him closer
when your heart rushes to be near
when you see him through a webcam
and your dreams take over your fears

Ah yes true love is a mystery
But forgranted you must take it not
For all this world and its technology
Has yet to make two bodies one

The warmth of his touch
His scent and his arms
The feel of my cheek
On his chest in the dark

The feel of his skin
When my legs on his legs brush
And the face I long to kiss
And the lips I miss so much

True love is a mystery
Never will it be solved
Not thru time nor generations
Nor the communications that have evolved

To feel his breath
To hear him sleep
To feel him beside u
to make love …
So deep………

To hear his heartbeats
And feel they are yours

To reach beside you
And make sure he is close

The longing and waiting
The nights that roll by
The endless anticipating
Of the day he’ll come by

My heart is breaking
And mending each day
A call, a msg and a conversation
Enough to keep me sane

Starving for his arms
His left space I fill in bed
When will that day come?
He is every thought in my head.



My love for him surrounds me
like an orbit wrapping my soul
my love for him is time and space
I am Venus and he is my thrown

Gravitational force is infinite
Once in my orbit he falls
He is my moon and his moonlight
Pull my raging tides back to shore

So time dear time go on with it
At this rate that distance divides
If the universe is a mathematical equation
He is the variable that will make it right

My universe is raging with thunder
Calm my endless demise
Give me an answer to this equation
Conspire for me
salvage this poor heart of mine.

The road less traveled

As you might have noticed, I don't really blog here. But I'm getting back to writing!
Enough naive vulnerability to a world of wolves and demons. Here is the summary or "review" of the book I talked told you about. You can find a more unbiased not-so-focused -on-love version on wikipedia. First of all..Let me show you the genius behind why praying things away and praying for things to happen is FUTILE:
"So if your goal is to avoid pain and escape suffering, I would not advise you to seek higher levels of consciousness or spiritual evolution. First, you cannot achieve them without suffering, and second, insofar as you do achieve them, you are likely to be called on to serve in ways more painful to you, or at least demanding of you, than you can now imagine."Bless you for that liberation. Now we are getting somewhere.Kay.. Basically this is it. ( Thanks to all my friends for being there for me when I needed to discipline myself or NOT.. depends from doing what eh>? ;))
According to the author Peck peck whatever.....
Because living requires facing difficulties and pain, which we would rather avoid, self-discipline is required. Such discipline involves, among other learning to delay gratification, to spend the time and effort necessary in order to solve the problem at hand, to accept personal responsibility as well as acknowledge the reality of the situation.
Life is DIFFICULT. ACCEPT IT. IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE ALWAYS HAPPY. Life is a series of problems and these problems need to be confronted for us to grow spiritually just like students need to solve problem sets in elementary to go to highschool and that's the only way theyt will learn. Problems in life "evoke in us frustration or grief or sadness, anguish or despair." Yet it is in facing these problems that we gain wisdom, strength and courage.
"This tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness." Hence, drugs, alcohol, anti depressants and even like double personalities and psychosis.
According to the book,Love is not a feeling, but an activity, and defines it as "the willingness to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own and another's spiritual growth." He bemoans the rampant notion of romantic love that pervades society today, which holds that one is not truly in love unless one feels those incredible "I'm in love" feelings that we all know so well. He observes, "Many, many people possessing a feeling of love and even acting in response to that feeling act in all manner of unloving and destructive ways. On the other hand, a genuinely loving individual will often take loving and constructive action toward a person he or she consciously dislikes..."
Now this part makes me glad I'm a science student...
He teaches to be suspect of the familiar "in love" feeling for two reasons: 1) "The experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-linked erotic experience," which he believes may be genetically coded in us to insure the perpetuation of the species; and 2) "The experience of falling in love is invariably temporary...the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes."
Ok I have a question..
DOES SEX IMPOSE ON US THE FEELING OF COMMITMENT AND LOYALTY TO THE POINT THAT GIVEN THE SAME SITUATION W/O THE SEX.. YOUR FEELINGS TOWARDS THE PERSON ARE LESS INTENSE AND LESS "PASSIONATE"?
Is Sex a rope around our neck that drags us down the path of illusions just because of the moral humanbeings we are? Regardless of it's intensity, great or not great sex.. the act of surrendering to another human is a statement... it's surrender, and for a woman it's more like it's the giving of herself with her life and all there is in it to a man? I wonder how many relationships end, or never get started, because the partners feel genuine connection and communication together, but don't feel "in love." Considering the drastic change in the sexual environment in these days of AIDS and stupid people around.. Ok enough Tammy Paranoia.. Let's get back to love and real love.There is nothing like reading the book but I'll try to show u the good stuff..The "Myth of Romantic Love" is often what lead people to heartache and despair later on in life. These fairy-tale followers often try to conform their lives to the myth of the fairy-tale. "...they still cling to the myth and attempt to conform their lives to it". If one goes through life thinking that love is the end all be all, then nothing else will matter to them, which would finally bring everything to a crashing halt once love walks into the picture. Peck peck thinks a person could truthfully ruin their life by putting everything on hold for love. Love is also a job. True love does not come easy and has to be worked on in order for it to be successful. Love will not last forever without it being worked upon. Especially in long-distance relationships. If two people claim to love each other they try to work out their relationship even though they are not close to each other physically. Society is far off in its "definition" of love because many still believe in the fairy-tale of the man or woman riding in on the white horse. This type of loving is known as dependent and is not healthy. It is most commonly found in people searching for love. ( SO DON'T SEARCH!!!) There are hundreds of men for one woman and vice versa it is BULLSHIT that there is only one woman for one man. Ok Peck peck stresses that love is NOT a feeling. Ok I have a problem here... what the hell have I been going thru??? So I beg to disagree, Love is a feeling, because I feel love is the strongest feeling that a person can feel and if it is true love then it can last forever. I think love is a feeling because when you love someone, you get feelings in your body and mind. Thinking about a person can bring on a wave of softness that is often described with love. ( Although it has proven to be the opposite for me I don't believe love is to blame.) Kilig and butterflies in ur tummy pala? These are all feelings and are often experienced in conjunction with love. The road less traveled is a masterpiece. Slap on the face yet an "ohhhh..... so that's why?" kinda book. I recommend next for those who need some maturity and responsibility in their lives ( we all do) May God enlighten those souls.

Entry of a long lost diary

She sat there wondering what had brought her here, is what she is doing right? Who decides what right and wrong is anyway? And if her judgment is impaired like what he tells her because of her sheltered life and young age, where should she seek the truth? Her parents are living in another world, and she is almost certain of what their reactions would be, there is no point in letting them in on her secret. They will do more harm than good. Better leave her parents out of it this time. They just won’t understand.
But wait a minute maybe her mother will? A mother is a mother after all and her mother planned her life step by step starting from place of birth .That is just it! She can’t tell them, she could lose the only thing that might be right in her life and she can’t afford the risk of losing him. Yes, her mother will be devastated when she finds out that her worst nightmare has become a reality!! But she will get over it one day and her dad? Well he is a kind soul, mainly just existing and almost with no say on anything, whatever mom says is probably what goes in the end so what is the use?!
It is a matter of where she belongs. Where does she belong? There has never been a harder situation on earth, Arabia and the West. The conflict is at its peak these days and there is no escape from that. A choice has to be made and her heart is hanging on to both worlds. “you must give something up” he firmly tells her, “You can’t keep both worlds, you will lose them both in the end” Choose what you think God wants for you and he will lead the way”. She chose what God wants a long time ago. In fact, it is now that she feels that she is so far from God. Could they be right? The friend she had, the constant companion she relied on in good and bad times, could it be true? That wasn’t God? Is God so hard to talk to? Does she have to go through so many rituals, find the perfect spot, dress a certain way, and wash a certain way to reach out to him? Was she being disrespectful and maybe a little proud when she just cried out for God in the wrong places? Where does she belong? Why is she alone now? She closes her eyes and drifts in the past, to a happier place where things were simple and life was good.
Was she living a lie? Or is she just wiser now? Seems like the older you grow the more you belong to more things and the more complicated it gets, Where were the days when she belonged to her family, her college, her class, her friends? 6 years ago she would jump for an atlas each time somebody asked her where she was from and proudly point to the Arabian Peninsula , recite a little Arabic while everyone would listen in owe trying so hard to imitate her , she would tell stories of a thousand and one nights , ones that her Grandmother used to tell her before she went to bed, her audience marveled at the beauty and mystery of the east . She was a smart child; she would geographically track civilization’s history from the Hanging Garden’s of Babylon to the pyramids of Egypt. Where is that little girl? How could she leave her? The only source of freedom and joy is now dying. She needs her back! But how can she bring her back? It is just too sad in her world now; she herself would feel sorry for the little girl if she comes back. Maybe he is right; she needs to toughen up that little girl. Things are different now, instead of telling stories about Aladdin and Jasmine, people are attacking her with stories of Bin Laden and Terror , More frequent than not she finds her self amidst talk that is bigger than her, bigger than she can handle, why are there wars? Why is there hate? Why? Why? So many questions, but who can answer? Her mother says it is hopeless, her father says it is all politics , but she thinks it is all in their minds and longs to go back where sex, race and religion don’t matter. Were we are all citizens of the world and all we want is to live and let live . Humanity is the common denominator. How Simple!!! Why doesn’t the world get it?!?! She just can’t figure it out.
All she knows is that no longer do maps and boarders define people’s limitations, no longer is language an excuse for ignorance and no longer are we confined to our own cultures.
It is as global culture we live in today, the internet, the media, the music, the traveling everything!! The world is like a worn- out quilt made of different of patches, still one piece with little patches mending it each time it tears, just like a scene from an airplane window minutes before it lands.
She belongs to the world and all she represents is her humanity. “Know your limitations, know your size in this world” he says, “You are insignificant, and nothing you say or do can move this world an inch, grow up and stop dreaming.” How dare he? How dare he crush her just like that? She has been raised to know that nothing is impossible, that she can make a difference and that she can , if she puts her mind to it and will change the world. In fact, she believes it is a calling, a responsibility. She was born for this, If not her then who? Who will bridge between the East and West? Who will make each side understand the other and work around their differences? Who will fill the gap? Having lived half her life in the east and the other half in the west, is there anyone else who can represent an understanding of both worlds? Her blood is half east and half west; she was conceived to be a hero.
How can he just brush her ambitions aside? “Honey it is for your own good, I don’t want you to be disappointed in the end” he continues “I love you and I just want to protect you” “protect me? Protect me from what?” She wonders to herself, how can she live with someone who doesn’t believe in her? Worst of all, how can she protect him from himself? Hope can’t be killed, hope must go on or we will die. She lashes out and accuses him of being narrow minded and a coward, it happens every time, they try to have a civilized conversation about anything outside of their daily life, outside of the house, the kids and the kitchen , he brings her back to reality like a slap in the face , she wants to talk about the War in Iraq, the US politics, Religious misunderstandings, but he thinks she is just a woman, made of emotions and less mind. This is her life, this is what she chose. She must either change him or leave him or then she will lose herself. The whole scenario keeps on repeating itself like a poker game stopping at “I know better, you are just a mislead sheep ling “if only he knew he was the one mislead “she takes a deep breath, She pities him and loves him at the same time. She can’t stand him but she can’t live 10 minutes with out him.
Why then? Why do they allow world politics to ruin their relationship? Should she be less sensitive? Is it really none of her business? Should she just live her life not caring? Give up her dream? What about their children? What kind of world will they live in? She can’t! that is not the way she built herself!!! She needs to at least try, she wants a better world! She needs to fix it, and it is people like him, who make it hard, why can’t they make a step? With love and forgiveness everything will be alright. It is not just a line from a song, it can happen , she knows it can , how can something so simple be so impossible to achieve?! It never was this hard! Was it him? Was it something else she doesn’t know about?
Sometimes she blames it on the place! It is too closed for anyone to think anything but what the media dictates. Maybe no one is to blame. Maybe if they moved to another country, he will see that the world is not a one big conspiracy and that he was wrong. Behind the leaders and politicians who mess up everything are normal people like him and her, with children and parents who just want to get by. What can she do? “We can’t change the world, but we can change ourselves.” she thinks, “all we need is communication, all we need is to accept people as they are “. We are all human, the world is in our hands and anywhere is just hours away if not instantly at our fingertips.” So where does she belong? She asks herself that question everyday, and everyday she finds a different answer, and every day she struggles so hard to defend the world. Every day before she goes to bed, and after he fills her head with doubts and fears, after they make up and scars build up. She smiles at him, tucks herself to bed, prays that God gives her the strength to fight another day , shuts her eyes and softly succumbs thinking … “I belong to you”.

Do we suffer because we are sinners or because we are saints?

I watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose today. What a treat at Christmas I know. But it was. I forgot this… I forgot all about being tested and tried. “Ibtila” we call it in Arabic. We actually have a saying that when you are suffering, sick, lonely or hungry it only means that God loves you. Look at the prophets, all the prosecution, all the pain.

I never understood this twisted logic. How can God make you suffer if he loved you. Now I see it. Just like what he said to me the other night… this all forges you. To be forged, molded, equipped and guided to the right path , to our personal legend’s fulfillment is in fact, is the greatest manifestation of God’s ultimate love.

I hope I’m right for my sake.

Is this what’s happening? Because God knows I am hurting. Bleeding. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and socially. I’m just really good at not showing it. I always try to save those who I care about from all the drama and agony. It’s just me and sometimes people think that it’s all just dandy. Not my objective really… but when does anything go according to plan?

I was never one for hardships. God the last thing I ever want to feel is the feeling of being deprived. I find it like an insult or like an act of hatred against me if someone doesn’t make me feel comfortable and meet my needs. Male or female. I actually get offended sometimes. Maybe it’s the cultural shit again. By some divine grace, as a woman, a good, worthy and valued woman that is. I deserve nothing less but extreme comfort and beautiful pleasures, I should care for nothing more than to be beautiful and happy because that would mean that my man, kids and house would be so too. Anything else is an incentive, work, career, just another right I am entitled to. God! I love being a woman.. yeahh!J

I long for comfort. for serenity more than adventure and risk taking. Sadly, that’s the last thing anyone sees in me. I know I’m ambitious but I never would have been without my secret “headquarters”, I have three. one for every life I venture into. For every crazy life I have a stable life, that is not affected nor tainted by my irresponsible actions. That gave me the courage to do what ever I wanted. Frome here to there and there to here, If I mess up one I have the other. Always something to fall back on.

My headquarters have been bombed. All that remains is one now. One HQ made up of all three with no boarders and no walls. Just one life in the eyes of all. My life. And I feel so free.

The Suspect: True Love. The Verdict: Guilty as sin. Sentence: life imprisonment without the possibility of parole.

I might have been bad. But I feel that God loves me.

Redemption. Salvation. In the form of a man from heaven? It’s been done before for the world.

So all this pain? Worth it.

Some people know exactly what they want in life.

When you examine their lives closely you see that even though they are normal in the sense that they slack off sometimes, go through the same growing up mishaps and rebellion, something always makes them bounce back on track.

Seems like their whole lives are revolved around their “dream” and whatever else happens is just a side kick.

They’ve been trained to do that since childhood. Ever wonder why most of the tight knit families have the most brilliant human products? Yes, they could be weird, they could wine about not doing what they really wanted or their parents not giving a damn. But would they really really would have wanted it any other way? I don’t think so. They revel in their lifestyles and the drama just makes them love the way things are going even more.

In elementary they learn to compete, that the goal is to do their homework and get an A on it, then to be in the honors list, if they have free time they find something else to develop, another talent, music, sports, home economics classes, a school play? Heck.. whatever it is, you just don’t find them idle.

It’s the taste of success, being better than others that feeds their ambition. The popularity, the encouragement, the adrenaline rush, the risk taking, the ‘winner’ factor.

No musician, artist, dancer, martial arts expert chose to be who they are. Scientifically its impossible to have a talent that has not been cultivated since childhood. It was all chosen for them when hey were kids. Then they grew up believing in their parents’ dream for them, getting better at it year after year till the dream became their own.

It’s a simple life equation really. Set the goal, identify how to achieve it and do it. Set backs? Expected through a previous risk assessment So, the kid who loved his pets, grew up caring for others and saw the rewards of helping people in a way not everyone can. Chooses his weapon in his mind early, aces his way through high school, takes up biology for an undergraduate course, concentrates in his researches and projects on the anatomy and medical aspect of it all , graduates and scouts for medschool, applies for it, focuses on the ball. All the while watching ‘ER’ for inspiration and mocking ‘scrubs’ for technical errors. Wow, the feeling of superiority.

And it’s just the same thing for the Businessman, the lawyer, the diplomat and the movie star.

Other people just live. They just live hoping that by some miracle, something happens. They start blaming others and circumstances for what happens to them. They focus on “LOVE” as the way to fulfill their life mission. Just there. anticipating destiny.

I personally favor the more structured way of life. Rules make life’s struggle fairer. Equal opportunities is always inspiring.

That life was once mine. Expectations to live up to. Important people in my life to make proud. Set goals to achieve then to set again. Dreaming, studying, working, living on a path for so long just to taste victory so sweet when I get there. And when I do. It’s addictive.

Doing nothing is equally addictive as well.

Maybe sometimes you gotta do what u do for yourself before u do it for someone else. Maybe there is no doing it together because then, after all is said and done , it is not something u did on your own. You will never know if u could have done it on your own. And that is quite threatening, let alone debilitating.

I still don’t think I could have come this far without him being so embedded in my life.

I love him for picking me up . But sometimes I wonder if it’s time to try riding my bike without the hind wheels.

I hate feeling dependent. Its just soo aghhh discouraging. And after this two weeks of going through a lot.. I can’t help the feeling of wanting to be left alone for a while to cross the finish line on my own. Regain some strength.

One thing is for sure. I have learned to make decisions in this last month. I’m getting pretty good at it. Decisiveness was an integral part of my personality that was missing. I admit that now

And yet. The thought of losing him makes my knees weak and sends me into panic and desperation. Why can’t he understand that I need space and just need to heal for a little while. I need to pick up my own mess or I’ll never be an independent child. And still he deals in absolutes. In Star Wars, only the Sith deals in absolutes. And I can’t handle a “ take me or leave me”. I don’t want to ever leave him. That would be the biggest mistake of my life. The tragedy. The ultimate loss and defeat. But I so much long for space. At the same time, maybe this is what the right kind of sacrifice is all about. I’m starting to feel contempt and I hate it . Contempt for what? I wish I knew. Maybe for myself for being like this. Then again, maybe I’ll just get over it and this is a normal reaction after a series of bad luck. I just need to be left alone for a while. I can’t lick my wounds infront of anyone. I just don’t know how. And I so much need to lick them right now, the scabs are starting to itch and he’s eternally watching me. Go away pleaseeeeee

But just don’t leave .

Can you judge a country by it's leading Newspaper?

Kingdom Section ( main headlines)


Shoura OKs Law to Name Illegals, Their Employers in Newspapers
I don't know what this is about but who cares...
Ministry Decides to Ax Expat Teachers in Elementary Schools
Now this I care about!! Sheesh.. As if Saudi Education wasn't the worst of all known education to man ( 911 anyone)? Now they are gonna make it worse-r
‘Envoy of Peace From China’ Comes to Riyadh
OK.. Who cares about Peace from china?? Do we even know who the president is??
Don't go too deep with this, I know china is gonna be econmically powerful and hey predictions ( the man who saw tomorrow, that jewish guy who predicted all that stuff, bible code , etc) tell of an alliance bet the red and yellow races something like that.. anyway, until the arabs and chinese become best friends can we have an envoy of peace from bushland and the new roman empire?
Al-Maliki Calls On Saudis to Invest in Iraq
Yeah right, the average saudi is unemployed and if he did have a job it would barely pay for his hasheesh and speed pils. ( don't look at me like that!) it's a fact, typical saudi men are mohashisheen and on something that keeps them alert 3 days in a row.
‘Gitmo, Iraq Damage US Credibility’
I don't know who gitmo is but tell us something we didn't know before the war started.
Saudis Urged to Learn Multiple Languages
this urging is from 3 spoild journalists who traveled the world and are currently trying to put togethersome literature about saudiand it's historyfor the coming sept 23 (i think) independence day. ( its the first time they take it seriously must be the international focus)
Sometimes an Apology Can Go a Long Way
This is about a guy who stole an expensive car and after being sweared at ( cussed at) he returns the car in return for an apology, but ofcourse without the stereo and headlights... ONLY in saudi Arabia
A Bachelor Party Gone Wrong
Some guy who got food poisoning hours before his wedding.. Talk aboutbeing lucky!
Car Thief Busted Having Midnight Snack
Self explanatory - didnt even read it
Infant Left Abandoned in Local Mosque
2 days old- heartless bitch - anything for sex in this place
Wife Forces Husband to Take Second Bride
maybe she was just sick and tired of you she wanted to give some load to another wife so she can screw around while you're busy with the new one.

Ladies and gents, this is me resting my case.

The beauty in exile

" You'll never guess what happened to me today!!", He exclaimed dashing through the door. I was like... "what?" Get off the phone first and then I'll tell you". I’ve never seen him so happy. "Ok hold on.. Hello, I gotta go, I’ll call u back later , sure, bye. Ok so what's up..?" He was gone. " What was that all about ... , is he ok?" I asked my friend who came over for a pig out after having an sms fight with one of our friends. My brother was already in the shower. " You don't think he just ..?" I gave my friend a suspicious look giggling and cross at the same time. " He seemed excited" She said.

"Ok spill the beans" I demanded as he was getting out of the shower. " Relax ok?" I rolled my eyes at the lame attempt to infuriate me. " Ok ok.. let me ask you this, when was the last time do you think that I actually met a real Arab?"

"Huh?" my friend and I looked at each other. "What are you saying?". He went on and on about how he was hailing a cab in front of his school when he noticed a group of people who were arguing in a loud voice in a familiar language ( guess that's says it all ). Poor guy, he’s been out of touch for so long it was mana from heaven that he finally met people of his kind. He went on and on about how they looked, what they wore, how they talked, what they talked about , where they were from and how they got here in the middle of nowhere. “ We thought we were the only ones, they kept on saying that” He said. “ I was the only one for a long long time” He kept on telling them . I felt crushed. sorry for him, mad at myself , mad at my folks, wondering where they went wrong.

Then I thought about the beauty of it.

It didn’t matter whether they were Egyptians, Kuwaitis, Jordanians, Sunnis, Shiiets, Christians , all that mattered to him was that they were just… Arabs.

My brother is living proof that “ Arab Oness” is a reality . It exists somewhere after all, even if that somewhere is in a little place called the human heart.

Let's get down to business

I guess I vented out enough about my personal shit.Time to get to the serious stuff. I'm kinda new to blogging so I hope my thoughts get organized along the way. Although no one can actually fathom what I must be going thru, I found this strange solace in writing. Maybe it's the thought that whatever happens in the future , bad or good, someone out there would give me the benefit of the doubt and say.." Hey, she tried her best, cut the girl some slack".

Being at the crossroads is not easy , needless to say that there is no turning back. Purely based on personal jusdgement and intelligent guessing. The decision I must take will determine the rest of my life and terrifyingly enough.. my afterlife.

I might have avoided facing reality by convincing myself that i had more important priorities to attend to, but when u think about it.. what is more important than who you share the rest of your life with and how you intend to live it?

You never know what you've got till its gone

Yes, sounds like a crappy line about some old flame. No, I’m not talking about a person, I’m talking about a life.

It happened again, I hate myself every time it does! I fell asleep putting my baby to bed.. I even let the maid go out , taking a cab to buy me a couple of frappuccinos since I was looking forward to a long night on line with my PC. I have a lot of things to catch up on, some correspondence, on line banking and people to talk to , including my mom, who’ve I’ve been appearing off line to for some weeks now just to avoid the “ so, what’s you plan?” question.

Since I slept so early , I woke up at around 5 am. In a bad mood of course. Took one of the melted fraps from the fridge and went on line. I just wasn’t in the mood to do anything and to top it all I knew that in an hour or two I’d have to start getting ready for the “drop off”. So I started getting ready, I was thinking to myself.. I need to let the nanny come back, I had given her a week off when I started noticing that baby was getting attached to her again. I figured with school starting and all the memories of last year’s play school where Nanny was always there, she was in a regression period. After all, how can she trust mommy when mommy wasn’t there in the first place!!

So, there. I took over the whole thing, with the help of my maid ( preparing the milk and arranging her toys) I achieved my objective. We have bonded mightier than mighty bond but I’m losing myself. Basically my personal life has been put on hold. Well not really on hold but it’s hard to think about serious things or make fate determining decsions with one eye on what you’re doing and the other watching over a kid 24/7. I decided that it might be time to call Nanny and ask her to come back. I haven’t gone to the gym or even deep conditioned my hair in a week and I can feel my body complaining about it. I made a note to myself to call her later when she’s awake.

On that note I noticed the sun was up, I went to the bathroom and abluted ( washed up for prayer) , I prayed my fajr and went back to the room, baby was sleeping on my bed, I tried to make some noise, the earlier she wakes up the earlier she goes to bed but alas! The snoring was louder than my clumsiness, laid down beside her , played with her hair , held her hand and maid some high pitched good mornings.. It was about 6 am , school is at 9 . I gave up and closed my eyes too. At around 8:30 the maid was knocking on the door, Madam it’s already 8:30.. whaatttt?? I looked to my side and baby was still sleeping.. must have been a long day yesterday at her grandparents place. I woke her up, gave her a shower and we were on our way. I myself didn’t take a bath, we were running late and I figured I’ll just do it later since I had no plans for the afternoon.

On my way out I received a surprising sms from Ann, it said “ Tam, I have a problem , where are you?” I msged her back saying meet me at the café in 30 mins.

After dropping my baby at school, I headed to my favorite place, there she was, sunglasses and all.. I apologized for being late.. . she looked at me and asked me how I did it.. taking baby to school everyday in the morning with all the shit I have in my life and managing to keep in control. I smiled at her and told her that things are not what they seem and that I’m actually losing my mind.

Ann and I both have something in common, our husbands are in another country and we don’t know what we really want. It’s a little more complicated for me because in addition to not knowing what I want , at 24 I don’t know who I am! And Religion as I discovered has a big say on my marital status , way of life and mentality.. something I’m slowly trying to accept and deal with.


Turns out that , may God rest her soul, Ann’s nanny’s mom ( the mother of the nanny of Ann) passed away yesterday, suddenly and just like that. She woke up to her 18 year old Nanny’s weeping and had to endure the emotional drama of it all!! Something which she just didn’t need at a time when her f ( or so she would like to think) was losing his money on Forex trading and taking it out on her .
She dropped her Nanny off at the bus station , gave her all the cash she had left with her and faced the reality of her might not coming back since she had brothers and sisters that may need her now that her mom was gone.

I was thinking of what to tell her, I asked her what was really her problem.. Is it that someone’s mom died unexpectedly reminding us of how short life is and how selfish we are ? Or that the nanny is gone and she’s gonna have to “toil”( a word I got from her ), for her kid like never before? With him starting to go to school while she is a student too.

She didn’t say anything, realizing I just made it worse, I offered that my nanny stay with her till she finds a replacement. She got into the never ending discussion of how unfair life was and how she just needs to get out of here.

Now, I’ve been there and one thing I could tell her was not to take her life here for granted, when I left this sub urban heaven, all I could think of were the things I didn’t do, the crisp air of dawn, the silence of the night and the accessibility to everything you can think of.. things like scuba diving, mountain climbing , shopping sprees, barbeque, golf courses, island hopping and spur of the moment late night outs.. things that need time, money and planning anywhere else. Herbal medicine, beauty salons and foot scrubs, the mere fact that we could play tennis or go swimming or just have a snack at the country club at our subdivision whenever we feel like it. Time here is still and life is what you make of it not the other way around. She got my point , and was excited about when we could go scuba diving. I just repeated that anywhere else would be so different.. even the time she can spend with her kid now and the things they could do together here more than anywhere else was priceless. Instead of thinking of how to get out of here when it’s just a matter of waiting , we should invest all our time and resources in getting the best out of this place and even then we’d still have to come back here at least once a year to reload. Satisfied and planning things in our minds we smoked a cigarette and sipped our ice teas. Look at the time, time for her to pick up her kid.. we said goodbye and she left.

I still have an hour to go, I took my laptop out and started to blog while listening to Stained’s so far away…

Tribute to Barney and Disney

I never thought I’d say it .. but I did and I am. Thank God for Barney!!!! I used to be one of those “ Kill the purple fag dinosaur” but now.. you can’t imagine how much this purple thing really helped me raise my kid!!! I mean u know , kid’s respond to him in a weird way.. even if it were some Zionist conspiracy to hypnotize our kids .. I’d still be thankful!! I love Broadway, I think the sound of music, Mary Poppins, Annie, Wizard of OZ and the like are true gems for kids now a days … I’m planning to make a collection along with west side story, fiddler on the roof , My Fairlady etc. Mary Poppins teaches my little kid to clean up her room with a spoon full of sugar and Barney tells her it’s all about please and thank you, So it’s like Barny does half of the job and we just assure our kids that he’s right.

Disney is another story, I grew up with Snow White , Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty I know all the Disney classic songs by heart..It brings my mom to tears when she hears my baby girl sing the same song in the same way I used to sing 21 years ago. I used to sing “some day my prince will come “and imagine I was snow white standing beside the well or when my mom would give me chores I’d sing whistle while you work… or Hi ho Hi ho it’s off to work we go.. I was a happy little girl.. there was nothing wrong around me even now that I know that those must have been my parents hardest times I still deny the fact and insist those were the best days of our lives as a family. How I wish I can live in that same bliss .. Now that I think about it, The only thing that kept me in fairy tale land all those years were all the Disney Cartoons and my big imagination. I still have that imagination till now.

Coming back to the present – I just have one thing to say

I am warry of Nickelodeon , I mean the characters there for heaven’s sake call each other Stupid!!! They also shout at each other and are very mean and violent sometimes !!! Not to mention UGLY!!! The only acceptable thing there is probably those power puff girls.

As if raising them wasn’t hard enough!!!!!

I'll go where ever you will go...

Sometimes we head to the mall from school to have lunch or buy what we need ( or what we think we need hehe) I love my “ not so single” friends because they bring their kids when we meet up. Kids need to play with other not so familiar kids to develop their social skills. We usually drop them off at the play houses in the malls after agreeing who brings the nanny to watch over them while we go shopping or watch a movie. Almost always is a win-win situation , the mommy gets her dose of girl talk , fun and spirit and the kiddie gets to play , exercise and make new friends.

It doesn’t have to be the mall all the time, we tried going to the GAP farm where there was a ranch and real horses, the country club just behind our house where the kids can swim, the mama and her friends can have a snack and talk while watching over them I even brought my kid to where my friends study.. basically wherever there is a bathroom should be ok, thank God my baby is a girl and she likes to be one too.. so she enjoys all the girlie stuff we do anyway, she sings and dances, likes to play with her hair and shares he opinion about clothes and shoes !! hehehe , At the end of the day the baby tells the mommy what she did while the mommy listens establishing quality time and fostering independence.

This girl

A child at pray is a joyful sight, innocence and faith with all her might,
Little girl pray that you'll never see, what the world tomorrow will think of thee"



I write this poem of a girl I know
With a heart a heart of gold, made the world around her glow
Broken today I watch her sigh
The hopeful gleam no longer in her eyes

It’s been a while since I’ve held this pen
Years of life have molded me since then

A little girl searching for where she belonged
Guided by the memory of vague recall

An impulsive decision to go back in time
Against their will she crosses the line

A young mother she thought
“I’ve got to see”
No time could be better
It’s the time for me

An innocent soul tainted with fear
A whole new world
A religion revealed

Shock and confused by the hurtful truth
This is it, These are her roots!
Lost and confused , She tries to reject
What she knows she has to go through next

She’s riding the waves of a journey so real
Too much emotions, there’s nothing left to feel

As she sits alone in a familiar café
Watching the world as they live their day

She wonders if she’ll ever get to that shore
How much is left for her heart to endure?

Pieces of her, dust in the wind
Wrapped in misery, tormented at will

Searching for answers, lost in dismay
A silent prayer, “Oh keep me sane”

Her friends they know what she’s going through
Do they though? She’s not so sure


Caught in the middle, two worlds at bay
Every person she knows, has something to say

Her soul is in question, her eternal abode
Where no mother or bother can carry the load

For she alone, will mark her end
For she alone, to the grave shall be sent

This worldly life is but a stage
To play our parts and God to obey

And the life she’s had
Has no place in here
The cast of this play
To her world are weird

New rules, new lines
New parts to display
She had no idea
That is was going to be this way

And although her faith in the main theme is strong
It seems that it’s not enough
Could she be so wrong?

No one is perfect, so it’s been said
With no one to trust, no matter how they care

Ignorance is bliss, words so true
Why did she venture, into knowledge so cruel?

We are responsible for all that we do
Now that she knows, her debts are due

To pay the price is a lot to bear
She can’t let go, she’s too weak to dare
Brave she embarked on this one way road
Full of life, faith so bold

God is her love, her constant guide
Hold her hand, show her what’s right

Yes, she’s made a few wrong turns
Give her a chance, she’s willing to learn

Send her an angel, just show her the way
Too suspicious to trust
Thos who speak in your name

She reads your words, every night she cries
Why does she see a different rhyme?

Oh lord your book does not lie
Never did she find an unfair line

Her salvation lies in you so divine
Please let your words lead her life

For she has lived this world as it is
She’s seen and felt things that they’ve missed

No one could ever know what’s inside
No one but the earth, the sea and the infinte sky.

The lessons you learn from"cars"

"Lightning Mcqueen and his best friend Mater"

Last week was literally “ Cars” week. That movie was great.. I don’t really have any interests in racing.. the significant information I know about racing is confined to Michael Shoemacker ( see.. im sure his name isn’t spelled like that) F1 and the local drag racing scene around me. Being the person I am , born into the social circle I am in, I sometimes find myself listening to crap about last weekend’s drag racing rumble or “ my boyfriend drag racer” , one my friends even put up a restobar named “staging lanes” !!.

Anyway , I wasn’t really excited about watching this pixar car thing..but it looked like there was no escape I decided not to buy the popcorn and stuff so I’ll have something to do when I get bored inside and make buying them an excuse to get out of the movie house of a couple of minutes .. it turned out that I misjudged the movie it was great!!! lots of lessons about helping others and being selfless , the only thing I suffered was that everyday Mcdonald’s Happy Meal just to snag one of them toy cars.

The last couple of days were tough on all of us, we couldn’t find lighting Mcqueen in all mcdonald’s outlets.. I guess that just teaches me a lesson to just buy em all before they’re gone and hide them till tantrums begin! Hehehe I even tried buying one that looks like him at the toy store but the thing is these cars have eyes and that’s what makes them special .. and makes the kids notice if it’s the real thing or not!!

A day in the life.. plus Poi revolution

Such a quaint life and modern life, picket fences and familiar skies.

I drop my 4- year old daughter off at school in the morning and take a few minutes to talk to her teacher ( who happens to be my batch mate in college ) about my concerns , I didn’t let my daughter attend school the other day because I am trying to discipline her and I thought it was an appropriate punishment for disobeying me to ground her. I also took the opportunity to express how disappointed I was with them playschool when she came home the other day with a loot bag full of sweets and chocolates . I suggested having healthy food activities for the kids to learn to eat veggies and asked her to please tell the other teachers not to encourage her when she starts acting shy. Feeling good about myself and my attentiveness to my daughter’s developmental needs I head to a quiet café with my lap top to set my agenda for the day and reflect on things that are happening. I have a lot of decisions to make about my marriage and settling down.

"At the school's play ground"

It’s Thursday today, Last night I was with a bunch of old friends ( and new) one of my friends had a Dutch visitor who wanted to learn how to cook local food and catch up on the latest social scene , the latest craze they’ve been into is quite an addictive activity called “ poi” or fire dancing. Two arm length chains ending with a flammable ball that are dipped in kerosene and lighted with fire while the person twists and twirls them in the air making beautiful symmetrical circles dancing and swinging back and forth , sideways over and around the body. Very exciting and entertaining, not to mention impressive. Being the darling of the group and the diplomat of my time , sociable and eloquent , my friends insisted that I should be there . It was around 9 pm when I finally caught up with them , I had a hard time putting my baby to sleep , at first it was my newly painted nails that were annoying her sensitive sense of smell, I had gone to the salon earlier that day to accompany my friend Kay and offer moral support for her impulsive decision to have her hair premed, I opted for a foot scrub and manicure and pedicure while waiting for her. After realizing the problem of the “freshly done nails smell” I rubbed my hands with a fragrant Victoria Secret lotion and went on trying to get her to sleep.. when of all the times it turned out to be one of those nights where you are caught off guard and asked questions by an innocent child, last night was the “heaven and hell” question and how good children go to heaven and bad ones go to hell. After she finally fell asleep to a Disney song I sang to her to take her mind of the monsters and bad toys in hell. I asked the maid to sleep in my bed and hide herself under the sheets incase she woke up and checked if mommy was there. The old “ pillow mountain under the blanket was discovered a while back” hehe. Hurrying out the door I checked myself in the mirror one last time and made sure my own poi set were in my bag.

" The girls fire swining infront of kay's place in the middle of the night"

I arrived at the place, curly kay greeted me at the door and thanked me for making it.. I said hi to everyone and started to mingle , It’s been a while since I’ve been out at this time and my friends missed me .. we had a little girl talk in Kay’s room that ended up with make up experimentation and sex talks. An hour later other people came we had to join them. A few minutes later we were outside the house lighting pois in a show down in the middle of the dead street. Cheering and shouting kay’s curls almost got caught in fire but that didn’t stop us! Even I dared to light up my poi and dance with fire.. making sure we took pictures we went back inside for drinks and conversation. At around 12 something people started to leave, when all the guys were gone that’s when the party started and us girls just took off our frustrations on dancing. I got a call at around 1 PM from my husband to tell me it’s late and I should get my butt home. With a pouting face I announced my leaving , Stephenie, who really wanted to go out, especially after the make over make up said she’ll come with me since obviously no one had plans of going anywhere else. Ann begged me to stay a little more and promised she’d take me home if I did. After giving it a thought I declined the offer saying I wouldn’t want her to go out of her way since she lived close by while my place was on the other side of the world.
It was getting late anyway and I should probably go home. Steph asked to stop by at Dimsum diner to pick up some Chinese food , she called to place an order while I called my brother at home to ask him if he wanted me to bring him anything too.

It was around 2 am when I got home. My baby was fast asleep, took my smoke drenched clothes off and washed up, woke the maid and thanked her for her act of courage and logged on to the internet to tell my husband I was home. Ann was on line too.. we exchanged a couple of lines and gossiped about some of the characters at the party. She sent me some of the pictures she took of me fire twirling and we decided to call it a night. I wanted to watch a movie she lent me.. The Manchurian Candidate , I was on a mission to watch everything and anything about the Middle East, Terrorism and Politics. On my list of movies to watch are Syriana, Paradise Now, Munich and Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World.

Blindly believing that my destiny was to make a difference in the middle east I had to know all I can.

I fell asleep watching Paradise Now. At about 8 am a little voice was asking me if she could eat chocolate something.. I couldn’t make her words out and I said yes… talk about cunning! J With a sweet and sleepy voice I told her to take a bath and get ready for school 30 mins later I got up , took a shower, prayed and was on my way. After she joined the other kids I took the teacher aside and u know the rest.

It is not like this everyday of course, I don’t usually go out, in fact, no matter how hard I try to get up after putting my kid to sleep at 730 PM every night , I somehow end up sleeping too and frustratingly waking up the following morning !! hehehe I’m still at the café’ sipping iced tea and writing this, it’s almost 11:30 am , I gotta pick her up soon.