I am in desperate need of help -- or I'll go crazy. We're living in a single room -- my wife, my children and my in-laws. So our nerves are on edge, we yell and scream at one another. The room is a hell."
"Do you promise to do whatever I tell you?" said the Master gravely.
"I swear I shall do anything."
"Very well. How many animals do you have?"
"A cow, a goat and six chickens."
"Take them all into the room with you. Then come back after a week."
The disciple was appalled. But he had promised to obey! So he took the animals in. A week later he came back, a pitiable figure, moaning, "I'm a nervous wreck. The dirt! The stench! The noise! We're all on the verge of madness!"
"Go back," said the Master, "and put the animals out."
The man ran all the way home. And came back the following day, his eyes sparkling with joy. "How sweet life is! The animals are out. The home is a Paradise, so quiet and clean and roomy!"
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Another new beggining
I am sitting here on a my bed
my bed- for the first time on this bed in this room
my stuff scattered everywhere and I can't bring myself to start fixing things yet
last night i watched a boxing match that was amazing
not because of the fighter who never loses and knocks out people from every weight devision
but because of what that match does to people, to a whole country
while paquiao was trying to beat up margarito there was no crime in the philippines
no traffice, no problems no nothing. the most peaceful moments in the whole country
when eve the president forgets he is a president is when paquiao has a game!
it doesnt help that NJ East Hanover was in the end of the world, or that we couldnt find the holiday in where we had to drop someone
but what helped was this couple I met, youg, sweet, fresh out of the peace corp where they helped little kids in africa build a school and spent 2 years of their lives trying to serve humanity.
what helped more was the fact that because of this peacecorp thing the guy has a scholarship from columbia in education so things are working out go adam!
It is great to be filipino! everyone is your family, food is everywhere and laughter and booz.
somehow you always find someone who knows someone and maybe is a distant relative of yours then they treat you like a daughter
God is good. God is great. I wouldn't know how I would have done this without the help of tito ed and my friends, the last week was all about slowly carrying heavy stuff from here to there, agreeing on terms and all the social life.. weekends, manny paquiao and oh god not to mention hell school life first half of the week environmental and behavioral midterm which were only easier to take in when I got my law and health midterm back an A ! yeahy!
so many things I realized in the past week..
that things are not what I thought they were in my heart
you can love someone so much and they can just see you as side show. well... iamnotasideshow and I don't want to be sorry for that.
It is so hard to control the urges... the feelings like"he has to see this", "i wish he could experience this and see how my world is","he's been working so hard he needs this break", "i wish i could tell him i was here, will he come? will he not"," i wish he could come with me to this restaurant, to this lounge for him to see a different side of life.. then i stop and think.. what for? seriously what for? it wont'help either of us and no.. there is no friendship after the marriage we had and i believe in my heart it was that or i will go crazy.
day by day i see a birds eye view of what have become and i shudder. or I gfeel proud of myself for moving on this far.
let this new place be a new place with new energies of love life truth and good intentions. the future awaits..
i left those sad bad energies full of heartache and heartbreak, unjustice and infedelity and darkness in that hotel room that is what i will think..
I can't wait to have my heart healed and open. I can't wait to see a future without him. this is my goal. and I have my baby to help me.. i already listed the movies we should watch when i get home.. i cant wait.. so many happy things without him. let me thrive on that. good luck to him and his family and future. at least i know mine will be full og laughter and dreams and hopes. wonder how it feels to know this is ur life forever and not be contented? maybe he is more of a victim than I am.. oh well.. I will be going to harvard this weekend and i am on my way to my future and i am actually excited.. i bet I will meet people who will inspire me and give me hope in finding my future partner.
There is someone for everyone. All we have to do is pray, have good intentions , be good people stay away from sin and inshallah with sabr and faith things will happen.
Don't be afraid to go where you've never gone and do what you've never done,because both are necessary to have what you've never had and be who you've never been.
I will post some reminders later to myself since i had to tear them down from my wall when I moved.
my bed- for the first time on this bed in this room
my stuff scattered everywhere and I can't bring myself to start fixing things yet
last night i watched a boxing match that was amazing
not because of the fighter who never loses and knocks out people from every weight devision
but because of what that match does to people, to a whole country
while paquiao was trying to beat up margarito there was no crime in the philippines
no traffice, no problems no nothing. the most peaceful moments in the whole country
when eve the president forgets he is a president is when paquiao has a game!
it doesnt help that NJ East Hanover was in the end of the world, or that we couldnt find the holiday in where we had to drop someone
but what helped was this couple I met, youg, sweet, fresh out of the peace corp where they helped little kids in africa build a school and spent 2 years of their lives trying to serve humanity.
what helped more was the fact that because of this peacecorp thing the guy has a scholarship from columbia in education so things are working out go adam!
It is great to be filipino! everyone is your family, food is everywhere and laughter and booz.
somehow you always find someone who knows someone and maybe is a distant relative of yours then they treat you like a daughter
God is good. God is great. I wouldn't know how I would have done this without the help of tito ed and my friends, the last week was all about slowly carrying heavy stuff from here to there, agreeing on terms and all the social life.. weekends, manny paquiao and oh god not to mention hell school life first half of the week environmental and behavioral midterm which were only easier to take in when I got my law and health midterm back an A ! yeahy!
so many things I realized in the past week..
that things are not what I thought they were in my heart
you can love someone so much and they can just see you as side show. well... iamnotasideshow and I don't want to be sorry for that.
It is so hard to control the urges... the feelings like"he has to see this", "i wish he could experience this and see how my world is","he's been working so hard he needs this break", "i wish i could tell him i was here, will he come? will he not"," i wish he could come with me to this restaurant, to this lounge for him to see a different side of life.. then i stop and think.. what for? seriously what for? it wont'help either of us and no.. there is no friendship after the marriage we had and i believe in my heart it was that or i will go crazy.
day by day i see a birds eye view of what have become and i shudder. or I gfeel proud of myself for moving on this far.
let this new place be a new place with new energies of love life truth and good intentions. the future awaits..
i left those sad bad energies full of heartache and heartbreak, unjustice and infedelity and darkness in that hotel room that is what i will think..
I can't wait to have my heart healed and open. I can't wait to see a future without him. this is my goal. and I have my baby to help me.. i already listed the movies we should watch when i get home.. i cant wait.. so many happy things without him. let me thrive on that. good luck to him and his family and future. at least i know mine will be full og laughter and dreams and hopes. wonder how it feels to know this is ur life forever and not be contented? maybe he is more of a victim than I am.. oh well.. I will be going to harvard this weekend and i am on my way to my future and i am actually excited.. i bet I will meet people who will inspire me and give me hope in finding my future partner.
There is someone for everyone. All we have to do is pray, have good intentions , be good people stay away from sin and inshallah with sabr and faith things will happen.
Don't be afraid to go where you've never gone and do what you've never done,because both are necessary to have what you've never had and be who you've never been.
I will post some reminders later to myself since i had to tear them down from my wall when I moved.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Nove, 2010- I have been meaning to blog
I have been meaning to start blogging again. When I found myself alone in cold and far away place. When suddenly things don’t make sense and I am regressed into living a student when I have been acting and living like a mother and woman whose social circle is considerably older than well… now.
I have been meaning to start blogging again, now that I am weaning myself out of the source of my life’s meaning, the love of my life and the only thing that consumed me for almost 3 years and to be honest the only thing that will haunt me and scar me till the end of my days.
Yes, I have been meaning to start blogging again. Every time a memory hits, a feeling comes back, lonliness strikes or I lose hope in why I am here in the first place.
I have been meaning to start blogging again, now that I am faced with my two halves that I must deal with, I have my scholarship and I have my daughter two worlds that never met and today need to be coexist but never to be known to one another.
I have been meaning to start blogging again, now that I have a path that was chosen in a different time, for reasons of the heart , a decision that I took not for myself but for the only man I will ever love and now , though he lingers to torture me thru uncertainty and guilt, is not anymore the reason for why I am here.
I have been meaning to start blogging again, now that all of these is who I am and for the first time, I am alone in a faraway cold place, dealing with myself…. Alone.
May I find meaning in everyday that I wake up in. Simply for being alive, thankful for the opportunity that I have been given, knowing that my mother is with my daughter and that her daughter is trying her best to make sense of her life.
I have been meaning to start blogging again, now that I am weaning myself out of the source of my life’s meaning, the love of my life and the only thing that consumed me for almost 3 years and to be honest the only thing that will haunt me and scar me till the end of my days.
Yes, I have been meaning to start blogging again. Every time a memory hits, a feeling comes back, lonliness strikes or I lose hope in why I am here in the first place.
I have been meaning to start blogging again, now that I am faced with my two halves that I must deal with, I have my scholarship and I have my daughter two worlds that never met and today need to be coexist but never to be known to one another.
I have been meaning to start blogging again, now that I have a path that was chosen in a different time, for reasons of the heart , a decision that I took not for myself but for the only man I will ever love and now , though he lingers to torture me thru uncertainty and guilt, is not anymore the reason for why I am here.
I have been meaning to start blogging again, now that all of these is who I am and for the first time, I am alone in a faraway cold place, dealing with myself…. Alone.
May I find meaning in everyday that I wake up in. Simply for being alive, thankful for the opportunity that I have been given, knowing that my mother is with my daughter and that her daughter is trying her best to make sense of her life.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
The need to love and be loved
The need to love and be loved
The need to love is addictive . The need to be loved is destructive.
How can we strike a healthy balance of emotions without running the risk of losing our minds? Or our loved ones?
I don’t know about other women but I have had my share of relationships and I always kept my head and stayed calm and in control.
I had my goals, my rules, my family, my privacy , my personal life, my opportunities and my future and no man could ever shake me.
I fell in love at 28.
Suddenly I don’t want all of the above. All I want is him and the need for him to be all of that to me.
It was like the first time I ever handled a man. Today, almost a year after I look back and think to myself.. that isn’t me! When did I turn so immature, so emotional, so childish and so pathetic!!!
Love consumed me. It took over my heart, mind and soul and there was nothing but him infront of me. My whole life was his and that’s when I lost myself and it all got destroyed.
The key to keeping love is to keep yourself. After all, the reason the guy fell in love with you is because you were you and if you changed after that.. don\t blame him for wanting to run away.
One thing good about me though, which is also consuming is that when everything is said and done. I don’t blame anyone but myself.
Maybe I blame love. Maybe I blame life for changing , my heart for not preparing or for clouding my foresight but it all boils down to me.
Now.. I am hanging by a thread.. I have no idea what will happen to me or where things will go from here.
All I know is one thing.
When something difficult or painful happens, we need to try look, to see, no matter how impossible it may seem at the moment , with the eyes of our hearts what the situation makes possible that wouldn’t have otherwise been possible.
Like a new adventure, a closer friendship, chocolate in my peanut butter, nights in a tent in a beach, listening to birds sing or the time to write a book.
As hard as it is for us girls especially, to imagine a life without the men that help and “love” us, we need to open our hearts and minds and breathe…
As impossible as we feel our situation is, as small as our world is and as limited as our eyesights can see right now.. we are wrong.
Emotions, love, devotion.. these are dangerous dangerous words that can shut all our senses from the rest of the world and make us only see what is infront of us. Our man, our love, our marriages , our relationships.
Life is more than that.
There is a whole world of different places to go to, different people to meet. Different cultures, different food, music, mentalities .. different weather.
There is a whole world of experiences to have, to share, there are things we never dreamed of achieving and achievements we never thought we would dream of.
Everything has a reason. God has wisdom behind it all.
I used to believe in that so much, the universe, the reasons, the growth, the spirituality.
Where did I lose myself? A man? A body? A heart.
Everything makes things better. We have to believe that. Lets not force what is not for us and all we can do is be ourselves. True to ourselves, true to the people in our lives and the universe will handle the rest.
Faith in the unknown , faith in God. The key to moving on.
No matter how heartbreaking, how difficult , how hurtful a person can be. Always keep in mind that we are all different. Just because someone is older doesn’t mean he is more mature. I may have gone to a lot of places met a lot of difference races and faces, worked, laughed and cried with women and men white, yellow, black and brown. Humanity is something I lived and not just something from a book like it is to others.
I need to believe in myself.
If the person I love can’t understand and love me. I shall continue to love him but on my own terms.
I shall love him but not lose myself to someone who can’t love and take care of me. This is the tragedy of love. There are no guarantees of safe homes and warm nights.
I have to accept that. And find my own dream.
I learned the greatest lesson in life from the only time I ever truly loved.
Love is not the end of everything. It is not the answer to our life searching and it is not the warm and tenderness I long for.
Love is loving someone for no reason. Just from god and hoping that maybe he will love u the same way and if he doesn’t……
Well. That is love.
The need to love is addictive . The need to be loved is destructive.
How can we strike a healthy balance of emotions without running the risk of losing our minds? Or our loved ones?
I don’t know about other women but I have had my share of relationships and I always kept my head and stayed calm and in control.
I had my goals, my rules, my family, my privacy , my personal life, my opportunities and my future and no man could ever shake me.
I fell in love at 28.
Suddenly I don’t want all of the above. All I want is him and the need for him to be all of that to me.
It was like the first time I ever handled a man. Today, almost a year after I look back and think to myself.. that isn’t me! When did I turn so immature, so emotional, so childish and so pathetic!!!
Love consumed me. It took over my heart, mind and soul and there was nothing but him infront of me. My whole life was his and that’s when I lost myself and it all got destroyed.
The key to keeping love is to keep yourself. After all, the reason the guy fell in love with you is because you were you and if you changed after that.. don\t blame him for wanting to run away.
One thing good about me though, which is also consuming is that when everything is said and done. I don’t blame anyone but myself.
Maybe I blame love. Maybe I blame life for changing , my heart for not preparing or for clouding my foresight but it all boils down to me.
Now.. I am hanging by a thread.. I have no idea what will happen to me or where things will go from here.
All I know is one thing.
When something difficult or painful happens, we need to try look, to see, no matter how impossible it may seem at the moment , with the eyes of our hearts what the situation makes possible that wouldn’t have otherwise been possible.
Like a new adventure, a closer friendship, chocolate in my peanut butter, nights in a tent in a beach, listening to birds sing or the time to write a book.
As hard as it is for us girls especially, to imagine a life without the men that help and “love” us, we need to open our hearts and minds and breathe…
As impossible as we feel our situation is, as small as our world is and as limited as our eyesights can see right now.. we are wrong.
Emotions, love, devotion.. these are dangerous dangerous words that can shut all our senses from the rest of the world and make us only see what is infront of us. Our man, our love, our marriages , our relationships.
Life is more than that.
There is a whole world of different places to go to, different people to meet. Different cultures, different food, music, mentalities .. different weather.
There is a whole world of experiences to have, to share, there are things we never dreamed of achieving and achievements we never thought we would dream of.
Everything has a reason. God has wisdom behind it all.
I used to believe in that so much, the universe, the reasons, the growth, the spirituality.
Where did I lose myself? A man? A body? A heart.
Everything makes things better. We have to believe that. Lets not force what is not for us and all we can do is be ourselves. True to ourselves, true to the people in our lives and the universe will handle the rest.
Faith in the unknown , faith in God. The key to moving on.
No matter how heartbreaking, how difficult , how hurtful a person can be. Always keep in mind that we are all different. Just because someone is older doesn’t mean he is more mature. I may have gone to a lot of places met a lot of difference races and faces, worked, laughed and cried with women and men white, yellow, black and brown. Humanity is something I lived and not just something from a book like it is to others.
I need to believe in myself.
If the person I love can’t understand and love me. I shall continue to love him but on my own terms.
I shall love him but not lose myself to someone who can’t love and take care of me. This is the tragedy of love. There are no guarantees of safe homes and warm nights.
I have to accept that. And find my own dream.
I learned the greatest lesson in life from the only time I ever truly loved.
Love is not the end of everything. It is not the answer to our life searching and it is not the warm and tenderness I long for.
Love is loving someone for no reason. Just from god and hoping that maybe he will love u the same way and if he doesn’t……
Well. That is love.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
A spinster mom
Today I asked my baby
what do you want me to get you?
I can get you anything you want
all you have to do is close your eyes
imagine all the ponies, the dolls and rainbows in the skies
do you want a wii? a psp a doll house anything that comes to your mind?
I'll get you a tent, a laptop, your name etched in gold, ill build you a castle in our backyard
but promise me one thing
silence in the line
I am sending you an Arabic program its in english so you'll be fine.
I'll get you anything you want
just promise to spend an hour on it every night.
Ok deal! an innocent voice I heard that made me alive
what would I do without you
the reason why I survive.
I want a baby she said...
Ok, tell me what kind? the kind that you feed and dress..
mama, the kind thats alive!
When will you have a baby, you said you will too many times
you said I'll have a sister to play with, we made he cd's remember .. its about time
you said she's ready and that we'll cook and shop and have a happy life
Habibi.. there is no baby, that little girl has a sister already please don't cry
she had her even before I told you
I didn't know it was a lie
But I'll get you a baby doll you can play with all the time.
and one day maybe you will have all the babies you want..
just grow up and all will be fine.
akhhh... can't believe this conversation happend just right now
how ironic is life. my God forgive him and all his lies.
what do you want me to get you?
I can get you anything you want
all you have to do is close your eyes
imagine all the ponies, the dolls and rainbows in the skies
do you want a wii? a psp a doll house anything that comes to your mind?
I'll get you a tent, a laptop, your name etched in gold, ill build you a castle in our backyard
but promise me one thing
silence in the line
I am sending you an Arabic program its in english so you'll be fine.
I'll get you anything you want
just promise to spend an hour on it every night.
Ok deal! an innocent voice I heard that made me alive
what would I do without you
the reason why I survive.
I want a baby she said...
Ok, tell me what kind? the kind that you feed and dress..
mama, the kind thats alive!
When will you have a baby, you said you will too many times
you said I'll have a sister to play with, we made he cd's remember .. its about time
you said she's ready and that we'll cook and shop and have a happy life
Habibi.. there is no baby, that little girl has a sister already please don't cry
she had her even before I told you
I didn't know it was a lie
But I'll get you a baby doll you can play with all the time.
and one day maybe you will have all the babies you want..
just grow up and all will be fine.
akhhh... can't believe this conversation happend just right now
how ironic is life. my God forgive him and all his lies.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
starting a diary 2010
I decided not to write
oodles and oodles of useles whine
for whining has never helped
change my life or make it shine
yes it made me feel better
it helped me cope with what's inside
but in the end i learned
that talk will never make wrong right
I learned the hardest way
too hard for words
so im gonna shut up
and take it
Only God knows.
oodles and oodles of useles whine
for whining has never helped
change my life or make it shine
yes it made me feel better
it helped me cope with what's inside
but in the end i learned
that talk will never make wrong right
I learned the hardest way
too hard for words
so im gonna shut up
and take it
Only God knows.
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