Do we suffer because we are sinners or because we are saints?

I watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose today. What a treat at Christmas I know. But it was. I forgot this… I forgot all about being tested and tried. “Ibtila” we call it in Arabic. We actually have a saying that when you are suffering, sick, lonely or hungry it only means that God loves you. Look at the prophets, all the prosecution, all the pain.

I never understood this twisted logic. How can God make you suffer if he loved you. Now I see it. Just like what he said to me the other night… this all forges you. To be forged, molded, equipped and guided to the right path , to our personal legend’s fulfillment is in fact, is the greatest manifestation of God’s ultimate love.

I hope I’m right for my sake.

Is this what’s happening? Because God knows I am hurting. Bleeding. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and socially. I’m just really good at not showing it. I always try to save those who I care about from all the drama and agony. It’s just me and sometimes people think that it’s all just dandy. Not my objective really… but when does anything go according to plan?

I was never one for hardships. God the last thing I ever want to feel is the feeling of being deprived. I find it like an insult or like an act of hatred against me if someone doesn’t make me feel comfortable and meet my needs. Male or female. I actually get offended sometimes. Maybe it’s the cultural shit again. By some divine grace, as a woman, a good, worthy and valued woman that is. I deserve nothing less but extreme comfort and beautiful pleasures, I should care for nothing more than to be beautiful and happy because that would mean that my man, kids and house would be so too. Anything else is an incentive, work, career, just another right I am entitled to. God! I love being a woman.. yeahh!J

I long for comfort. for serenity more than adventure and risk taking. Sadly, that’s the last thing anyone sees in me. I know I’m ambitious but I never would have been without my secret “headquarters”, I have three. one for every life I venture into. For every crazy life I have a stable life, that is not affected nor tainted by my irresponsible actions. That gave me the courage to do what ever I wanted. Frome here to there and there to here, If I mess up one I have the other. Always something to fall back on.

My headquarters have been bombed. All that remains is one now. One HQ made up of all three with no boarders and no walls. Just one life in the eyes of all. My life. And I feel so free.

The Suspect: True Love. The Verdict: Guilty as sin. Sentence: life imprisonment without the possibility of parole.

I might have been bad. But I feel that God loves me.

Redemption. Salvation. In the form of a man from heaven? It’s been done before for the world.

So all this pain? Worth it.