When you examine their lives closely you see that even though they are normal in the sense that they slack off sometimes, go through the same growing up mishaps and rebellion, something always makes them bounce back on track.
Seems like their whole lives are revolved around their “dream” and whatever else happens is just a side kick.
They’ve been trained to do that since childhood. Ever wonder why most of the tight knit families have the most brilliant human products? Yes, they could be weird, they could wine about not doing what they really wanted or their parents not giving a damn. But would they really really would have wanted it any other way? I don’t think so. They revel in their lifestyles and the drama just makes them love the way things are going even more.
In elementary they learn to compete, that the goal is to do their homework and get an A on it, then to be in the honors list, if they have free time they find something else to develop, another talent, music, sports, home economics classes, a school play? Heck.. whatever it is, you just don’t find them idle.
It’s the taste of success, being better than others that feeds their ambition. The popularity, the encouragement, the adrenaline rush, the risk taking, the ‘winner’ factor.
No musician, artist, dancer, martial arts expert chose to be who they are. Scientifically its impossible to have a talent that has not been cultivated since childhood. It was all chosen for them when hey were kids. Then they grew up believing in their parents’ dream for them, getting better at it year after year till the dream became their own.
It’s a simple life equation really. Set the goal, identify how to achieve it and do it. Set backs? Expected through a previous risk assessment So, the kid who loved his pets, grew up caring for others and saw the rewards of helping people in a way not everyone can. Chooses his weapon in his mind early, aces his way through high school, takes up biology for an undergraduate course, concentrates in his researches and projects on the anatomy and medical aspect of it all , graduates and scouts for medschool, applies for it, focuses on the ball. All the while watching ‘ER’ for inspiration and mocking ‘scrubs’ for technical errors. Wow, the feeling of superiority.
And it’s just the same thing for the Businessman, the lawyer, the diplomat and the movie star.
Other people just live. They just live hoping that by some miracle, something happens. They start blaming others and circumstances for what happens to them. They focus on “LOVE” as the way to fulfill their life mission. Just there. anticipating destiny.
I personally favor the more structured way of life. Rules make life’s struggle fairer. Equal opportunities is always inspiring.
That life was once mine. Expectations to live up to. Important people in my life to make proud. Set goals to achieve then to set again. Dreaming, studying, working, living on a path for so long just to taste victory so sweet when I get there. And when I do. It’s addictive.
Doing nothing is equally addictive as well.
Maybe sometimes you gotta do what u do for yourself before u do it for someone else. Maybe there is no doing it together because then, after all is said and done , it is not something u did on your own. You will never know if u could have done it on your own. And that is quite threatening, let alone debilitating.
I still don’t think I could have come this far without him being so embedded in my life.
I love him for picking me up . But sometimes I wonder if it’s time to try riding my bike without the hind wheels.
I hate feeling dependent. Its just soo aghhh discouraging. And after this two weeks of going through a lot.. I can’t help the feeling of wanting to be left alone for a while to cross the finish line on my own. Regain some strength.
One thing is for sure. I have learned to make decisions in this last month. I’m getting pretty good at it. Decisiveness was an integral part of my personality that was missing. I admit that now
And yet. The thought of losing him makes my knees weak and sends me into panic and desperation. Why can’t he understand that I need space and just need to heal for a little while. I need to pick up my own mess or I’ll never be an independent child. And still he deals in absolutes. In Star Wars, only the Sith deals in absolutes. And I can’t handle a “ take me or leave me”. I don’t want to ever leave him. That would be the biggest mistake of my life. The tragedy. The ultimate loss and defeat. But I so much long for space. At the same time, maybe this is what the right kind of sacrifice is all about. I’m starting to feel contempt and I hate it . Contempt for what? I wish I knew. Maybe for myself for being like this. Then again, maybe I’ll just get over it and this is a normal reaction after a series of bad luck. I just need to be left alone for a while. I can’t lick my wounds infront of anyone. I just don’t know how. And I so much need to lick them right now, the scabs are starting to itch and he’s eternally watching me. Go away pleaseeeeee
But just don’t leave .
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