Another new beggining

I am sitting here on a my bed
my bed- for the first time on this bed in this room
my stuff scattered everywhere and I can't bring myself to start fixing things yet
last night i watched a boxing match that was amazing
not because of the fighter who never loses and knocks out people from every weight devision
but because of what that match does to people, to a whole country
while paquiao was trying to beat up margarito there was no crime in the philippines
no traffice, no problems no nothing. the most peaceful moments in the whole country
when eve the president forgets he is a president is when paquiao has a game!
it doesnt help that NJ East Hanover was in the end of the world, or that we couldnt find the holiday in where we had to drop someone
but what helped was this couple I met, youg, sweet, fresh out of the peace corp where they helped little kids in africa build a school and spent 2 years of their lives trying to serve humanity.
what helped more was the fact that because of this peacecorp thing the guy has a scholarship from columbia in education so things are working out go adam!
It is great to be filipino! everyone is your family, food is everywhere and laughter and booz.
somehow you always find someone who knows someone and maybe is a distant relative of yours then they treat you like a daughter
God is good. God is great. I wouldn't know how I would have done this without the help of tito ed and my friends, the last week was all about slowly carrying heavy stuff from here to there, agreeing on terms and all the social life.. weekends, manny paquiao and oh god not to mention hell school life first half of the week environmental and behavioral midterm which were only easier to take in when I got my law and health midterm back an A ! yeahy!
so many things I realized in the past week..
that things are not what I thought they were in my heart
you can love someone so much and they can just see you as side show. well... iamnotasideshow and I don't want to be sorry for that.
It is so hard to control the urges... the feelings like"he has to see this", "i wish he could experience this and see how my world is","he's been working so hard he needs this break", "i wish i could tell him i was here, will he come? will he not"," i wish he could come with me to this restaurant, to this lounge for him to see a different side of life.. then i stop and think.. what for? seriously what for? it wont'help either of us and no.. there is no friendship after the marriage we had and i believe in my heart it was that or i will go crazy.
day by day i see a birds eye view of what have become and i shudder. or I gfeel proud of myself for moving on this far.
let this new place be a new place with new energies of love life truth and good intentions. the future awaits..
i left those sad bad energies full of heartache and heartbreak, unjustice and infedelity and darkness in that hotel room that is what i will think..

I can't wait to have my heart healed and open. I can't wait to see a future without him. this is my goal. and I have my baby to help me.. i already listed the movies we should watch when i get home.. i cant wait.. so many happy things without him. let me thrive on that. good luck to him and his family and future. at least i know mine will be full og laughter and dreams and hopes. wonder how it feels to know this is ur life forever and not be contented? maybe he is more of a victim than I am.. oh well.. I will be going to harvard this weekend and i am on my way to my future and i am actually excited.. i bet I will meet people who will inspire me and give me hope in finding my future partner.

There is someone for everyone. All we have to do is pray, have good intentions , be good people stay away from sin and inshallah with sabr and faith things will happen.

Don't be afraid to go where you've never gone and do what you've never done,because both are necessary to have what you've never had and be who you've never been.

I will post some reminders later to myself since i had to tear them down from my wall when I moved.